Obama swats fly like Sensei

How to survive the Aporkalypse

Obviously the swine flu is very worrying. I mean, who really wants trotters, a snout, and wiry hair on their neck? Anyway, rather than spending your life in terror and looking suspiciously at sausage rolls, why not use the epidemic to your advantage?

Below are a few ideas. Feel free to add your own in the comments. The best one gets a bag of pork scratchings.

A daft review

Thanks to John Band, who pointed me in the direction of this review of last night’s Stuart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle.

The reviewer, one Sally McIlhone, contends that Lee’s “intellectual elitism” is pompous, and goes on to make the astonishing claim that Chris Moyles (and Jeremy Clarkson) are “immeasurably funnier than Lee”.

Seriously? People who make claims like that shouldn’t be allowed opinions. It’s beyond ignorant. Next she’ll be telling us that David Beckham’s smarter than Gail Trimble, and that Brooke Burke is nowhere near as hot as Jo Brand.

It’s about time, considering the absolute dog-spunk we’re usually fed on our TV screens, that somebody actually commissioned a programme that picks holes in the fabulously ridiculous circle-jerk that is our contemporary media. Lee’s right, most of the celeb books are complete tat, and the people who buy them are morons. And it’s about time someone said it.

Bill Hicks :: Rush Limbaugh is a scat-muncher

Seriously, NSFW.

Dramatic cupcake dog

Usually something I’d put up at RatGeek, but this needs to be seen by as many people as possible.

That dog really wants a cupcake.

via. digg / Kevin Rose.

Guilty pleasure

I know I probably shouldn’t, but I do love Jeremy Clarkson’s writing. From The Times ::

I don’t mind mistakes; the chap who accidentally forgets to close the doors on the ferry, for instance. These are errors. These are evidence of human fallibility. What I cannot abide is the wilful lack of interest in customers that ruins everything we buy and everything we do these days.

Except smoking. Over the years, I have worked my way through perhaps a million cigarettes and not one of them has ever come out of the packet shaped like a penis, or covered in mud. Not one has ever refused to light, or exploded while I am driving along. You sometimes get a beetle in your chocolate bar or an earwig in your curry. But cigarettes? Every single one is just as you would expect. A perfectly tailored nicotine delivery service.

It would, of course, be unreasonable to expect such consistency from cars. They are made up of 15,000 parts and some of them are made by people who are French. So, naturally, there will be mistakes from time to time…

Funny. Funny. Funny.

via. Political Byline

But what if the Russians come?

I used to live just outside the sleepy village of Eakring in Nottinghamshire. Indeed I used to play pool in its tiny Pub. So imagine my delight when the minutes of the Earking Annual Parish Council meeting made it onto the BBC Radio 4’s comedy show, The News Quiz ::

Any Other Business

1. Tree cutting on Back Lane was discussed. The following things arose from this:

a) It would be a good idea to suggest to the landowner the planting of some replacement trees.

b) Parish Councillors are advised to report things to the Clerk for onward transmission to the relevant authority rather than contact parishioners direct.

c) Parish Councillors and parishioners need refreshing on what constitutes a ‘tree’ and what is permitted work. Clerk to write to Mr Catchpole for a definition.

d) Clerk to report the tree cutting to Mr Catchpole at NSDC.

2. The issue of the ancient drains in the village was raised.
3. A parishioner has raised the question of the PC’s use of the Eakring Echo and its sponsorship.
4. Another parishioner wished to know if the problems with the telephone directories have been solved yet.
5. Mr Neale said a parishioner had drawn his attention to overhanging foliage on the pavement on Main Street between Wellow Road junction and the Old School. Clerk to contact Highways Dept.
6. The missile launcher parked at a property on Kirklington Road has caused comments from a number of parishioners about unauthorised access of a vehicle to a property and causing damage to the road surface. Clerk to contact Highways Dept.

It’s a strange world.

We’re lovin’ it

Adjacent to a story about scare-mongering food studies…

… a McDonalds burger ad. I’m lovin’ it.

A bit o’ Friday Fun

In honour of Sarah Silverman ::

Lil’ Bush: I’m F***ing McCain - The best bloopers are a click away

McCain 4.0

ROFL.

via. Sunny @ LC

Weekend funnies.

that’s a lot of cash for a woman footballer

From the BBC’s gossip column ::

clinton speaks

that’s one bastard bunny