How to survive the Aporkalypse

Obviously the swine flu is very worrying. I mean, who really wants trotters, a snout, and wiry hair on their neck? Anyway, rather than spending your life in terror and looking suspiciously at sausage rolls, why not use the epidemic to your advantage?

Below are a few ideas. Feel free to add your own in the comments. The best one gets a bag of pork scratchings.

Now *that’s* a word

Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz.

Everyone must see this

Charlie Brooker ponders MSM coverage of mass shootings ::

via. via.

Gamey times

Edge reports that US video game hawkers, GameStop, have increased sales despite our current economic clusterfuck. A surprise? Well, not really.

GameStop — an American gaming chain — has proven with $8.8bn sales, and a 24% year-on-year increase in business, that when times are tough, we have a habit of turning to smoting Zombies .

Now if you’re an appalling gaming whore like me, it’s arguably always Halo-time. But you have to admit, while difficult times usually, in my experience at least, put people off spending, stress and economic uncertainty tends to make people slaughter each other online all the more.

Hell, if we can’t afford that trip to Agent Provocateur or a weekly night out at a fancy restaurant, the least we can expect is a session with the Master Chief, a pastrami-sandwich, and frag-fest of the highest order .

I mean, that’s cheap (well, sort of).

Sexy times

The Guardian reports that pricey lingerie hawkers, Agent Provocateur, have increased sales despite our current economic clusterfuck. A surprise? Well, not really.

As Rick’s Caberet — an American strip-joint chain — proved last November with a 113% year-on-year increase in business, when times are tough, we have a habit of turning to titties.

Now if you’re an appalling rutting stag like me, it’s arguably always boobie-time. But you have to admit, while difficult times usually, in my experience at least, put women off teh nookie, stress and economic uncertainty tends to make us men even more horny.

Hell, if we can’t afford that new high-def TV or a weekly night out on the sauce, the least we can expect is a session with the Mrs., a peekaboo bra, and the lights on.

I mean, that’s free (well, sort of).

Thought for the day

Why won’t talentless gobshite, Pete Doherty, just go away?

Off to work. Catch you tonight, dweebs.

A daft review

Thanks to John Band, who pointed me in the direction of this review of last night’s Stuart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle.

The reviewer, one Sally McIlhone, contends that Lee’s “intellectual elitism” is pompous, and goes on to make the astonishing claim that Chris Moyles (and Jeremy Clarkson) are “immeasurably funnier than Lee”.

Seriously? People who make claims like that shouldn’t be allowed opinions. It’s beyond ignorant. Next she’ll be telling us that David Beckham’s smarter than Gail Trimble, and that Brooke Burke is nowhere near as hot as Jo Brand.

It’s about time, considering the absolute dog-spunk we’re usually fed on our TV screens, that somebody actually commissioned a programme that picks holes in the fabulously ridiculous circle-jerk that is our contemporary media. Lee’s right, most of the celeb books are complete tat, and the people who buy them are morons. And it’s about time someone said it.

the irregular quote of the day

“Shatterface”, over at LC ::

I have to laugh everytime I read that money from pirate DVD’s goes towards funding the drug trade.

I mean, if you can’t make a profit from selling crack and have to subsidised it with hooky copies of Transformers you are in the wrong business.

Heh.

On car seats

Jesus, getting the kids in and out of the car is a drag.

Child car seats, and now those bastard compulsory booster seats, must be specially designed to make journeys as stressful as possible.

I think companies are mandated to make them dysfunctional. There I am in the back of the car, doubled over like a porn star being drilled by a moustachioed washing-machine repairman, trying to get two pieces of metal into an impossibly small slot while my kids wriggle and squirm like captured fish.

Maybe child car seats are a subtle weapon in the war against climate change. The government, it seems, are committed to making every car journey as painful as possible.

It was raining this morning, and both of my children have the sniffles. It made sense to keep them dry and warm in the car, but I spent all morning dreading the rigmarole of getting the little scamps into their seats.

The wife is over in Paris for a week with her sister, so the opportunity of getting out of the school-run this week is non-existant. Tomorrow I’ll put an extra layer on the kids and brave the winter air sans automobile. I guess you win, Al Gore. You smug big-faced bastard.

BJ the Mayor Bear wrote about car-seats a few years ago, so I’ll leave you with opening paragraphs of his rant ::

Of all the sensations of joy and release that Nature in her kindness has bestowed on the human race, there is little or nothing to beat the moment when you get rid of the baby’s car seat.

It beats getting off a long-haul flight. It beats taking off a pair of ill-fitting ski-boots after a hard day on the slopes. It verges, frankly, on the orgasmic. As you take the wretched thing to Oxfam, you thank your stars that never again will you have to grapple with that incomprehensible buckle.

Never again will you stand sweating over your baby as it screams and writhes and sticks yoghurt in your ear. Never again will you have that struggle of wills, as the child’s efforts to escape become ever more desperate and violent, and you grow later and later in setting off on your journey.

For children and parents alike that precious moment – when it is deemed that the offspring are capable of sitting on their own in the back with only a seat belt – is one of the pleasures of growing up. It is a rite of passage, a moment of pride and childish prestige.

It is, therefore, utterly incredible that the state should now be trying to prolong our national car seat agony. How old do you think they have to be before the nanny state will let your kids sit in the back without a car seat? Did I hear six? Did I hear seven? No, my friends, we are being asked to put our children in plastic booster seats until they reach the ripe old age of 12 or attain a height of 135cm, whichever is the sooner.

Choice, huh?

I just watched another of those shampoo ads.

You know the ones. The ones heavy with bullshit science and computer-generated graphics showing how they repair and nourish your hair.

Just. Fuck. Off.

Does anyone actually believe this guff?

I use L’Oréal’s ELVIVE shampoo, because that’s what my wife buys. To be honest, I’d probably use a bottle of warm cat sick if that was what she left in the shower.

For years I used to wash my hair with shower gel, until someone said it wasn’t actually for my hair too. My hair was fine. I see no real difference now I use the over-priced “proper” stuff.

Apparently my ELVIVE is “Caring Shampoo”, although I have no idea what this means. It has never talked me round when I’ve had one of my daily descents into despair. So as for “caring”, I find a pint down the pub and a natter with a mate more effective.

I also use Palmolive shower milk, because that’s what my wife buys…

I find the term milk to be a strange one for use in the bathroom. I don’t put Brylcreem in my coffee, so it’s rather strange that I should smoother myself with milk as a means to cleanse myself.

The Palmolive range also refers to itself as “Naturals”, which is odd considering it contains styrene/acrylates, which as far as I can tell is plastic. Oil is natural, I guess.

I suppose the beauty conglomerates find the legal requirements to state their ingredients a hindrance.

If they were left to their own propagandistic devices, they’d no doubt claim that their products contain such wondrous natural ingredients as grass cuttings, pixie-dust and unicorn spunk.

And all this complete cock is in the name of choice. Oh beautiful choice.

I despair, really I do.

I’m busy at the weekend, so I’ll catch you Monday.

In denial

I love the way Ann Coulter says ::

The entire presidential election year was kind of a downer for conservatives. Once the “maverick” John McCain won the nomination, the rest of the year was like watching a slow motion car crash. Except at least a slow motion car crash is occasionally entertaining. So it was going to be a long year.

Ann, dear; McCain was your one and only hope of winning the presidential election. It’s just that the GOP goons didn’t allow him to be the “maverick” he’s perceived as.

Okay it was always going to be a Dem year, but McCain was the one candidate who could have transcended the national consensus and delivered the GOP a third straight term in the executive.

If you think that your brand of social conservatism and divisive rhetoric would have won out, you’re in more trouble than you think. Limbaugh is equally deluded.

Best of 2008

Lists, lists, lists. Everyone doing ‘em, so why not me? The 2007 list is here.

Best Record
Kings of Leon - Only by the Night
Well I can’t say I’ve been blown away by any one record this year, but Kings of Leon are making very good music. I actually think - shock, horror! - that there are some good pop records in the charts at the moment, too.

Best Film
The Dark Knight
Well it was the year of the comic book movie. We had Iron Man, Hulk, Hell Boy II and Wanted (and those are just the ones off the top of my head). I’d say that Dark Knight wins out with Iron Man a close second. I also enjoyed Burn After Reading.

Best TV Show
The Wire - Series 5
The Wire is simply the best television programme ever made. Period.

Best Book
N/A
I’ve read no new fiction this year. I spent most of my time reading old John le Carré books and Graham Greene. I’ll have to remedy this in ‘09.

Best Podcast
This American Life
This is probably the choice that has caused me to ponder most, as I listen to oodles of podcasts. But This American Life has provided the most memorable and beautiful moments. Subscribe, if you haven’t already. Worthy mentions to The Collings and Herrin Podcast [sic], Sarcastic Gamer and Football Weekly.

Best Radio Show
Adam & Joe
Funny and creative. Brilliant, basically.

Best Video Game
Gears of War 2
It’s been another cracking year for gaming. GTA4 was outstanding, Far Cry 2 was a surprisingly deep game, and Left 4 Dead (which I get for XMAS) looks great. Nothing quite topped GOW2 though. It’s awesome. The art style is incredible. The level design spectacular. And the weapons rock. Epic.

Best Gadget
iPhone
I haven’t got one. I can’t quite give up my BlackBerry (or switch to O2). However the app-store has made the iPhone a serious proposition. The utility of the device - theoretical and realised - is astonishing. I will get one, eventually.

Best App
Fluid
I have adored this app all year. I have run GMail and Google Reader constantly using Fluid and it has made life much easier. I’ve also been mega-impressed with Skitch.

Best Political Blog
Chicken Yoghurt
Justin has simply rocked this year. One of the best writers in the medium. Sadie’s Tavern would be a worthy mention too.

Best Non-political Blog
Limmy
This blog has made me - figuratively - piss myself all year.

Best Politician
Barack Obama
Obviously.

Best Newspaper
The Guardian
It better watch its back. The Guardian has lost its way a little this year. It’s still the best paper, though.

Best sportsperson
MS Dhoni
Finally, someone’s made a team out of the Indians. They’ve always had the talent (although the current team is pretty darn hot).

Everthing you need to know about the Ross-Brand faux outrage

Georgina Baillie is interviewed in The Guardian.

Another celeb is “made”. *reaches for the revolver*

more on the bbc

Sunder Katwala has posted on the BBC at LC, and in the comments the debate has become a libertarian vs. lefty affair. As someone who considers himself a liberal in the classical sense, I have a somewhat complex position on the Beeb, as I explain in my comment ::

I think it’s okay to be broadly libertarian (certainly being a civil libertarian who is in the main economically liberal), and not be tied to dogmatic interpretations of libertarianism.

My personal position is that the BBC has its fingers in too many pies, and prevents entrepreneurship in certain media sectors. Personally I think it can be a little dumbed down and extensive, but on the whole it has an important function.

Spend a few years travelling, and even if you have only a passing familiarity with the local language, you’ll observe that BBC content is fantastic in comparison to the absolute dog-shit most nations suffer.

I would like to see much greater dislocation of government and the BBC and a reduction in the BBC’s budget. Let me put it simply… Less Jonathan Ross and his astronomical salary and more foreign correspondents. Less Chris Moyles and his astronomical salary and more original radio drama.

The BBC is too populist, which means it encroaches on content happily paid for by advertising and subscription based providers. The BBC should be about empirical information, supporting young creatives, and education.

The BBC should not be starved of funding. It should go on a diet and re-address its constitutional remit. It shouldn’t be vying for every listener in a competitive market where it has an uncompetitive advantage. It should provide a cultural and informational bedrock which will continue to enrich the British experience.

Maybe this prevents me from being a fundamentalist libertarian, but I’m comfortable with that.

I think too many libertarians have a quasi-religious approach to all things, which utterly dismisses the nuances necessary for us all to exist together. Some things are simply worth it, regardless of their ideological conflict with any ‘ism. I believe in state-provided education. I also feel that, while the NHS is too extensive and unwieldy, there should be some healthcare provision for those that need it (with caveats tied to behaviour and cost/benefit). Look at private healthcare in the US. I know it’s hardly a libertarian model, the private sector is hardly efficient, is it? Admin costs in US healthcare dwarf our own.

As I stated in my comment, the BBC (and the NHS for that matter) is hardly a perfect interpretation, but there are some things that the private sector does appallingly. Look at the dross news coverage on network TV in America - where foreign bureau are being closed and correspondents are being sacked every year. Information gives a nation a comparative advantage, and I for one would like to see many parts of the BBC’s journalistic and cultural output continue long into the future. Even if that means I’m not a very good libertarian.

bbc

Just listened to Stephen Fry’s latest “podgram” on the future of the BBC. Inspired and soothed, I checked the comments from his blog. The following comment was found there ::

Britain should remember that it is a tragically tiny country that most people wouldn’t have ever heard of if it punched its natural weight. It is no longer known for its quality manufacturing, no longer the custodian of a massive empire and ever less relevant in global politics alongside the growing superpowers. One thing remains however, and that is Britain’s role as a cultural cornerstone for the English speaking world. Its programming in both radio and television has permeated the English speaking world from my father’s childhood bedroom in Cape Town to corners of Australia, India, Canada, the US and New Zealand. To think that the global reach and effect of British programming isn’t to Britain’s benefit is simply moronic. British comedy does more to win hearts and minds than any of its military follies.

The World Service is testament to the fact this was once widely understood. Has the ambition of global cultural relevance died with imperial ambition? I hope not.

The kernel of Stephen’s beautifully articulated speech (paraphrased) ::

The BBC is flowers on a roundabout x 1,000,000

A public excess, that is, without a second of doubt, worth it.

So true.